MAKE IT PERSONAL
I have only one thought about Mother's Day gifts: we want to know that you see us
Okay, first: yes, I know it is now currently the Thursday before Mother’s Day. I know that the right time for you to read this guide is…two weeks ago? I’m sorry. I was traveling and then all 4 of us were sick, and then it rained for like a month and a half straight and also I got a little stuck on a new project and a little down-the-rabbit-hole on another project, and also I’m trying to be a little more chill about how things “should be” and…well, now it’s Thursday.
If you’ve procrastinated on Mother’s Day shopping, you’re in luck! I know some of these ideas won’t arrive in time, but speaking as a mom (and therefore an authority on this topic), I would much rather open a card telling me about a very thoughtful gift that is coming soon than a generic or hastily-grabbed gift on Mother’s Day. If anything, it makes the celebration last longer, right? How’s that for a reframe? :) Also I feel this concept is very transferrable to birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas—essentially, this is more “how to buy a great gift” than “how to buy the perfect Mother’s Day gift.”
A great gift is something that tells the recipient you really see them. You notice them. You’re paying attention to the big and little things that they do and love and hate and care about. Giving a gift is a way of saying, “I see you.” What a powerful thing!
And of course we want to be seen all the time, and every gift-giving occasion is an opportunity to do that for the people we love, but I will say as a mom there’s something particularly tender about Mother’s Day—being seen on Mother’s Day means more than at other times of the year.
Maybe it’s because there’s something in our culture that sort of erases moms—we’re the invisible labor that keeps the trains running on time, but it’s the kind of work that if you do it right, no one really notices. Maybe it’s because our culture doesn’t support mothers well—the lack of flexibility and support working parents need, insane childcare costs. Our culture celebrates observable metrics—and money—more than we value the consistent, non-flashy work of caregiving.
Maybe it’s because there’s some weird stuff that happens to our identities when we come mothers—like all the other things we are get erased, and we’re just Universal Mom, a generic, exhausted sitcom stereotype. Maybe it’s because some of us are caring for children while we’re also caring for aging parents. Maybe it’s because perimenopause has our nerves shredded and our bodies unfamiliar in a thousand ways.
Maybe it’s because even though this Mother’s Day is a happy one at our house, it doesn’t take much for me to remember crying in the bathroom over another negative pregnancy test. I have friends in all different stages of trying-to-get-pregnant, and when I was experiencing infertility, Mother’s Day felt absolutely cruel. Someone I love is experiencing her first Mother’s Day as a single mom, which is not what she envisioned for her life. Another will celebrate the first Mother’s Day without her mom.
Wow, right? When I write it all out like that, this is a tough one—there are bruises and landmines everywhere, and mostly we don’t talk about that part of it—it’s all flowers and happy-family photos.
I can’t take away all these hard things. But I can help the women in my life feel seen and noticed and cared for, and you can do that for the women in your life, and how about this: if we all do it, if we all put a little bit of heart and thoughtfulness and intention into making the moms in our lives feel seen, visible, important, treasured, that counts for something, right? That means something.
When I think about my mom and my mother-in-law and all the moms I love—friends in Alameda and Newport Beach and Chicago, sisters-in-law in College Station and Knoxville and South Haven, when I picture them all on Mother’s Day opening a gift that says, we see you. We’ve been paying attention. We notice the little things you love and we treasures the memories we share as much as you do—when I think about that, it feels really beautiful to me. It feels important.
Okay, so let’s talk specifics. Here’s what I want you do to: sit down with a paper and pen and, if they’re old enough, your kids—or your siblings if you’re an adult child shopping for your mom.
Start a little list of the most MOM things, as specific as possible—the album she’s always playing in the kitchen. Think about the trips you’ve been on over the last couple years, especially the ones that she loved. What restaurants or coffee shops make her happy? What bookstore? What are the things that always make you think of her when you see them?
Aaron and the boys tease me because in lots of areas of life, it’s pretty easy for me to walk away from something I don’t need. I don’t shop for clothes very often, and I’m very into having just what we need in our small apartment and getting rid of clutter as often as possible…EXCEPT for three things: hats, sweatshirts, and totes, especially with writing on them.
It’s like a disorder or something—I am constitutionally unable to walk away from a cute sweatshirt at a restaurant I love, or a hat from a play I went to, or a tote from a darling general store in Wyoming (These are all real life examples).
Aaron was asking me about it—“you wear the same three pairs of jeans over and over but you will not stop buying totes from bookstores or hats from upstate towns we visit—why?”
This is why: because what I care about more than almost anything in the world is shared experiences with people I love, and every hat and tote and sweatshirt is a reminder—I got that sweatshirt on that really cold night when we rode our bikes to Grand Banks. This hat reminds me of that morning Henry and I spent horseback riding at Blackberry Farm. I got this sweatshirt on that cold rainy day that we spent at the MET.
I like having those reminders all around—this is where I’ve been. This is what matters to me. These are the memories that I like to keep close to me. These are the stories I want to remember.
And so that’s what I want you to do: think of a town, a college, a coffee shop, a sports team. Think of a bookstore or a restaurant or a farmer’s market. And it doesn’t have to be only a sweatshirt, a tote or a hat—but those are certainly my three current obsessions.
When my cousin came to visit, her favorite place was the New York Public Library—wouldn’t this mini tote be so cute?
If you’re a midwesterner, and your mom’s favorite part of the summer is a trip Up North, this hat is perfect. For NYC moms who have happy memories of upstate trips to apple orchards, I love this sweatshirt. For every mom who’s happiest in an independent bookstore, this is the cutest (Can you tell I clearly have my eye on my own mini-tote?! I hope Aaron’s reading….ha!)
And if you can’t find the right tote or hat or whatever, make one!
You know I loooooooove a good personalized Boat and Tote. One of my mom friends is always, always on her kids about eating more fruit…how about a Boat & Tote that says FRUIT! I’d love one that says BOOKS or CHEESE (I do have one that says SNACKS and I love it.)
Another favorite spot for personalized gifts: Katie Kime. I just got one of her phone cases with my name on it, but also an inside joke would be fun, and I love how you can personalize their shirts with initials but also symbols—so cute!
One go-to gift I send to friends is Flamingo Estate personalized olive oil—I would love it if my kids got me one that said something about “for that kale salad you’re always making” or “ for jam jar vinaigrette.”
I love this necklace and this bracelet—sure, they could say “mama” or her kids’ names, but also bookworm, earlybird, cake? I like how serious and dramatic the font for the necklace is—wouldn’t it be perfect if that serious font said “popcorn” or “naps?”
I did get one early Mother’s Day present: this little cutie—because guess how we’re spending Mother’s Day? Cubs/Mets at Citifield, and I absolutely can’t wait!
Whatever the day holds for you, I hope you feel known and seen in meaningful ways, and I hope someone who loves you gives you a really great tote :) XO—S